Future littles

Dear future littles,

My mind has drifted to thoughts of you much more often lately.  It leaves me with an anxious, excited and curious heart.  Anxious because I live for the day when I will be able to be your mother and learn and grow from you.  To smell your sweet baby scent, give you baths, feed you, read to you, sing you lullabies, tuck you in bed, make you cookies, make forts and Lego towers. Excited to put a face to your sweet spirits that I so often feel around me.  And curious about the kind of human beings you will all become.

Your dad and I dream about all of you.  We talk about what your names will be, who will have my personality, your dads, or a perfect mix. Talking about you is the one thing that relaxes me at the end of the day while laying in bed trying to sleep.  I turn to your dad and we talk forever about all of you and how excited we are to be parents.  I sit here typing with tears rolling down my cheeks and a smile on my face because I am so happy to someday call you mine.

I have a very hard time distinguishing my wants with Gods wants.  And that makes me worry sometimes.  I worry about when the right time is for me to bring your spirits to this earth.  So I pray all the time.  Not just to know when that time is, but I also pray that the environment you are brought into is a good one.  That your dad and I, and your loved ones will be ready to be good examples to you so that you can grow to possess all the potential that lies with in you. I know that I have a long ways to go before I am the future mother that I want to be.  But I promise each of you that starting today, I will dedicate the rest of my life to be the best mother I can possibly be so that someday when you are teenagers or adults and are feeling lost in the world, you will always know that your anchor is at home.  That your dad and I would do anything in the world to make you happy.

So, until that day when I get to hold you all in my arms and kiss your sticky sweet cheeks, I will work on being a more patient, less stubborn, selfless person.  That I will work harder on growing a strong testimony and being confident and happy with myself.  And while I work on these and many more things, my heart will be peaceful and happy knowing that you are all living with our Heavenly Father right now.  But promise me one thing.  Promise me that all of you will become best friends with Christ and God while you are there, hug them and learn from their examples (I envy that you live in their presence) because once you are on this earth, those relationships are what will make you happiest in life.

with all the love in my heart,
mom

photo via we heart it

Singin' in the rain...

Everyday in my Choreographic styles class we have a "mock audition".  Two people from the class are assigned a choreographer, give a presentation on that choreographer, teach one minute of that choreographers choreography and then we have to do that dance for them in pairs while they grade us.  Just like an audition for a show.  Well, today was Gene Kelly, and let me tell you, it was FUN!

It's days like today when I am reminded why I love what I do.  I did my hair in finger waves and showed up with a smile on my face so excited to tap and take myself into the golden age era.  

And right after, I got to go and learn a dance to "Bushel and a Peck" from Guys and Dolls for my Musical Scene Study class.  First of all I absolutely adore this song.  My sweet late grandmother sang it to my dad as a boy, and my dad to me as a little girl.  So the song has a lot of sentimental value to me and my crazy musical theatre soul.  

I am so grateful for this education that I am receiving.  For the things I am learning and growing from.  Some days are so hard and draining, but its days like today that really make it all worth it.  And I no longer care about the looks I receive from others in the  major when they are told that my goal in life is to not be on Broadway.  I totally respect, love and admire those who do have that goal and let nothing hold them back.  And sometimes I wish I had that respect from them as well.  My calling in life is first and for most to be a mother, I know it with all my heart.  And I have finally realized that that's not just a decision I made for myself, but one God made for me as well.  I feel it so deeply in my soul that being a mother and completely devoting myself to that is what will make me the happiest.  And because it is a decision God helped me make, I have no right feeling like less of a person for the decision.  So why is it that I am receiving an education in something that is training me to audition for just that, Broadway shows?  Well I have asked myself the same thing, and two years ago I quit MDT...planned on never returning, got my cosmetology license  and while being gone for that long from it I was able to have a clear mind and pray a lot about it.  I missed it so much and I finally realized (with some help from Jordan and Heavenly Father) that BYU's MDT program is not made to just train people for Broadway.  It's for people to improve the talents that God gave them so that they can use those talents to bless the lives of others.  And that is exactly what I plan on doing.

So I plan to hold my head high with confidence in my life and MY decisions, and dance in the rain. I can already see that rain fading away. 

while i'm sleeping

via here

As a child I spent many nights sleeping in the middle of my parents.  I soon began to get older, bigger... So my mom would make me sleep on their floor.  But I didn't care.  I just wanted to be sleeping with people near me.  

I have never been able to sleep well.  Whether that was from nightmares, anxieties rolling through my head, or creative ideas.  But the nightmares were what caused me to run to my parents room, tap on my sleeping mothers shoulder, and quietly sobbing ask, "Can I sleep in your bed?"  As I have gotten older, I have of course learned to deal with them better and just go back to sleep, but for some reason so many of these nightmares feel SO real to me.  So real that it would emotionally effect me the next day as if the nightmare had really taken place.  

Well, finally the nightmares went away.  For a few short years I didn't remember much of anything that happened in my sleep.  That is until lately.  I have been waking up in the middle of the night with horrible nightmares and then I instantly get online to see what the meaning of that dream is.  

All I can say is that I am so happy I don't have to just try and fall back asleep on my own anymore.  I get to turn to my sweet husband, and as soon as i feel him near my side all of my scared emotions vanish.

And sometimes I get really awesome dreams.  Like I am in a show again in High School and we are doing all the dance moves and in my dream every move is right and correct as to what it was in real life five years ago.   But somehow when I am awake I couldn't give you eight counts of any dance in high school.  Our minds are strange things... Remembering things in our sleep that we can't when we are awake, foreseeing things in the future, getting messages and answers to our prayers...

Do you guys ever have strange dreams or nightmares that feel SO REAL? Dreams are a crazy thing... sometimes I love em, sometimes I hate em.  I just hope I have a happy, bubbly, hopeful one tonight..

time...

via etsy

It's strange how time seems to pass before my eyes as I look back and reminisce my life.  Each week seems to go faster and faster, and when I stop and think about that I take in that moment to enjoy my life right then and there.

I have spent my life wishing I were living in my future life. I remember being in high school spending many weekends crying to my parents.  Just wishing I could be in college already, living my dreams.  I remember dating Jordan and just wishing I could already be married to him, just to know he was mine forever.
I finally realized about a year ago that I was wishing my life away.  I look back now and would happily go back to High School, when life was simpler and so much fun.  And I would easily go back to dating Jordan.  Every time we drive past his old apartment we talk about how fun it would be to just go walk in and pretend we were dating again.  To just sit on the green couch, slip a movie in, and kiss.  And then we laugh at the thought that the life of that couch has spent more minutes with couples kissing on it, than sitting on it.
But then I have to stop myself from wishing I could go back , because once again I am wishing my life away.

So, this year I have been trying to not spend my life thinking about the day I can finally have a sweet baby, or wishing I were still in High School....  I am going to enjoy my life at the present moment, because my life right now is really so good.
As I have spent these past few weeks just enjoying each day, I have found myself to be a much happier person and so much more thankful for the simple things in life.
Everyday I get to wake up next to the love of my life, and go to school learning to become better at what I love.  I dance all day long and get to have voice lessons from the best teacher in Utah.  And in my spare time I get to be a hair stylist and make people feel good about themselves.
My life is truly amazing.  And I am so grateful that it has turned out to be the life God had planned for me, and not the life I had planned for me.  Because this life is far better.  I am hopeful for my future, happy about my past, and joyous about the present.

a year's past...

This past year has been absolutely crazy!  Our lives have been full of busyness and blessings.  

Nearly everyday for this past year I have thought to myself, "Gosh, I really need to do a blog post today..." And of course, I went the whole year with out journaling our lives.  I am so sad that we are missing documentation of that first year of marriage, but our free time was well spent with each other.  

Now that I have a bit more free time, I wanted to look back at some of the memories we have shared this year together... 

January through May was such an adventure for us.  Jordan was taking over 18 credits, working as a chemistry TA, working as an EMT at BYU, doing research, and studying for the MCAT.  I was going to BYU part-time in the mornings, and then spent the rest of my day at the Studio finishing up my cosmetology licence.  And alas, we did it!  We got through it as we rarely saw each other.  But, the hard work payed off. I got my licence and Jordan got a Med school interview to the U.

 After all our craziness, we spent a few weeks traveling all over Mexico.  We drove down to Acapulco and stayed at the beach for a few days.  I stayed in the hotel bed for the majority of that time, thanks to Montezumas revenge.  And then we explored Jordan's mission in Mexico City.  We got to see pyramids and walked hours in museums.  My two favorite moments of the trip were Molinalco and Xochimilco (spelling??).  Molinalco is a small town far up the mountains where the roads are made of cobble stone, and it is SO green.  Once we drove into the town I turned to Jordan and said, "when we are rich we are buying a vacation house here!"  The culture, enviornment and city were breath taking.  Xochimilco is a Mexican version of Venice.  We road around the rivers of Mexico city in colorful boats as mariachi bands passed by us in their boats playing and entertaining us.  There are so many stories and fun memories from the trip, but here are some photos to sum it up.

We stayed with Jordan's sweet friends that live in Mexico city.  Jordan baptised Rafa, the father, while on his mission for the LDS church.  This is a picture on top of their apartment buildings that they own, and live in.  I loved seeing all the clothes lines up through-out the city as a constant reminder that I was no longer in the US.

This is the drink we believe to be the culprit of my stomach illness.... it was delicious though, cinnamon and cocoa.

Rafa's amazing wife Christina and their son Rafita.

FRUIT EVERYWHERE!!! I love it.  Their mangos were the best...

They sell fresh honey on the streets along with honey comb!  YUM

The yummiest taco shop in the world.  Seriously, I am craving them right now.... And they have mango drinks, which is frosting on the cake!

I felt so blessed to travel around and see where my darling husband lived for two years of his life.  To see and experience just a little bit of this culture that he loves so much.  It was fun to see and meet all the people there that love him dearly.  My amazing husband changed many lives in that city and I could see it in their eyes.  I am proud of him!  I can't wait to go back there with him more.

We came home and back to school we went.  I am just working on getting my BFA in Music Dance Theatre and Jordan will be done with his degree this April, and then on to Med school.

Although the year has been busy, I sit here looking at our Christmas tree thinking of how much I love living with Jordan. I couldn't have asked for a better husband and best friend.

itty bitty

Monday morning I awoke so extremely excited for the evening. All day long I counted down the hours to when I would get to hold a little baby for two hours!!!

I have never babysat a newborn baby before. Only children who like to play "beat the babysitter" and "hide and seek" all day long! And holding that baby was like holding a piece of heaven. I just stared at him the whole time, enveloped in his every move. What a beautiful thing it is. To carry your child inside your belly for 9 months. To be one. And even greater than that... You get to raise that child. That human being that is a part of you and the Mr you love so dearly.

There is nothing I look forward to more than the days when I get to raise those children of mine and my Mr. Make them sandwiches, play hide and go seek with them, teach them how to treat others and themselves, watch them open presents on Christmas morning, watch them become a member of the church, care for them when they cry, share with them the amazingness of an egg mcmuffin, and so much more.

I think too much of that day. Of that day when I get to raise children. Every time I start thinking about it, I have to tell myself, NO, not yet. I have to... GET to, enjoy the time I have right now with my sweet husband. Where its just the two of us. Establish us, and then bring children to this world. So then I just think about what I can do now for those future children. I think about if they can watch us from the pre existence. If they can choose us, and see how we are living our lives. That's when I decide I better darn well be living in a way that I would want them to be living some day. Because if they are watching me, I am setting an example. Some days its really not a good example. But, I am trying!

I think a good way for me to start living a better life and to prepare for children is to start serving others more. I love this quote:

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.

I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

life has been oh so good.

I am thriving off of everything fall. Making pumpkin cookies... and eating all of them. Carving pumpkins. Coming home after a long day and lighting a pumpkin candle. But none of it would be as good without my Mr. I love sharing my life with another person. I don't know how I survived such a lonely life before. Experiencing everything life has to give me is a million times better when you have someone to share those experiences with.

I have missed dancing and performing so much lately. Without really saying that, I think Jordan has picked up on it. So, he surprised me with a date on Saturday night to go and see Thriller. Oh how I longed to be on that stage with all of them. It was soooo good.

Being back on campus this semester has been swell. I complain about doing my homework, and about waking up for our 8 am classes... But I truly am so happy to be back in school. I love what I am learning and I love that whenever I don't understand something, Jordan is always there to help me. Not only to help me learn the subject matter, but to also love it and enjoy it. He is so very optimistic and full of life.

Decorating our home has been so enjoyable for me... It's still in the process. School, the salon, and cooking have consumed my life. But, I find moments here and there to make a wreath, or figure out what curtains I want.

I hope your life is going well too.

Of course not everything is perfect.. but this month I have been trying to find the little things in life that make it so wonderful.

Read this.

love,

hailey