Sharing some feelings I put out in the open on Instagram today:
In general, I keep trials to myself. Not to make people view my life in a certain way, but because sharing my hard times always makes me feel worse... Perhaps it's that I fear people will scoff at me because they feel in comparison to their lives it's hardly a trial... yeah...That reaction and what I actually normally get, "Bummer, I'm sorry" with no sympathy at all. (Cue punch in gut).
I try so hard to focus on the positive things in my life and some of my closest friends don't even know of the hardest things i've dealt with. But today is different. A few weeks ago I was talking to my sister in law and she was saying that trials would probably be easier to endure if everybody talked about them. We would feel less alone and perhaps be more understanding. She had many more profound words but I don't remember exactly what she said. Her words sunk in deep with me. And all morning I have felt guided by the Spirit to share a little. Not in hopes for pity or attention, but in hopes that those dealing with this too will feel a little less alone.
We have dreamed for years of lots of babies close in age and after having Myra we decided pretty early on to try for another one. After countless negative pregnancy tests, hopes up, hearts broken, doctors apts, blood tests, and dealing with amenorrhea, we found out today that I have thyroid disease.
Most of me actually feels happy and relieved to have found WHY my body is acting so psychotic, but a sliver of me worries that I'm getting my hopes up that treatment of this will result in a pregnancy.
Ladies, fertility issues are tough, I know there are women out there that have dealt with much worse and I am so grateful that I already have a child, but it has still been SO hard for me. In sharing this I really hope that someone out there feels today that they aren't alone in dealing with it. You're not the only one crying when when a pregnancy announcement pops up on social media or feel as though you're going to vomit before you look at a stick you just peed on. We are all in this together and I pray for those that deal with this daily, because I know first hand how hopeless it can make you feel. I love you guys. We got this!!!
I have felt an outpouring of love and well wishes today after sharing this.
I hope everyone knows how much I love and appreciate their prayers.
We are fighting hard to bring another babe to our home and I am determined to win this little battle!
xoxo
Prayers are being sent your way. My sister also struggles with infertility after having one child and it has been hard to stand by as she has tried to handle it by herself. Thank goodness for a community that you can open up to when you are fighting such a battle. Keep fighting :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Celeste! you are so kind! I am feeling much more optimistic about things now! It really is a great community. :)
DeleteLove you, Hailey. So sorry you are dealing with this...I haven't really experienced infertility or any of the things that go along with it, but we also thought our children would be closer together than they are. We started hoping for another baby when Talmage was about 9 months old and it took a good 6 or 7 months for me to become pregnant--which was a surprise since Talmage came along so quickly after we were married. And I worried the whole time that our kids wouldn't be such good friends if they were farther apart. And now, looking back, I can see how it was the best thing for our family and it's always amazing to me to see how our boys are such great friends! Now, again, we hope for another baby but I have had different health issues that have delayed our plans. In any case, you are amazing and the love you have for Myra is an inspiration to me! I will be praying for you to be able to share that love with more babies soon!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kaitlyn! you are so so sweet! I haven't been trying MUCH longer than that but because I rarely have periods then they started treating me for infertility. I know there are people who have tried FAR longer than me, but goodness... it is still hard! :) It is good to hear that looking back the Lord really had a better plan than you guys had wanted! I am so sorry you have been dealing with health issues lately! Health issues are so darn CRUMBY! I love you tons.
DeleteAww. I don't even know you but I really love reading your blog, and seeing your light. Keep shining; Have you read this?
ReplyDeleteThe Refiners Fire of Life: (Author Unknown)
There is a story told of a group of women that met for Bible study. While studying in the book of Malachi, they came across verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled the women and they wondered how this statement applied to the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out more about the process of refining silver, and to get back to the group at their next Bible study.
The following week, the woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him while at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest, beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith work, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire, where the flames were the hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot, then she thought again about the verse, that "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the entire time the silver was being refined. The man answered yes, that not only did he have to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on it the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "But how do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that’s easy - when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of this world's fire, just remember that God has His eyes on you.
Blessings for you, Hailey. You're strong!
You are so great!! YEs, i love that story! such a great reminder! Thanks Tiffanie. :)
DeleteWhat a beautiful story! I have heard it before, but it has been a long time and it is such a great reminder. There are so many facets of the story that I love.
DeleteThanks for publishing!!!
This post touched me deeply and even made me cry. I am so blessed to have a daughter that loves others and thinks in terms of comforting others --even when she is at the height of suffering. I love you so much sweetie!
ReplyDeleteIt is good for me to know that both you and Odma had that discussion. I remember when I was a young mother and I was dealing with depression, I felt very strongly about being open about it for that very reason --I hoped that by being open it might help someone else that was suffering. So I began to be very open about the fact that I took an anti-depressant. But sometimes I felt like people thought I was SO weird because of it. On the other hand, I would often have people come up to me after church that would thank me for being so open about my reality because my honesty was helpful to them. In the end, I am grateful for all of the trials of my life and know that I could not have grown spiritually any other way.
You are in my prayers. I love you.
Thanks Momma!
DeleteI love you so much too! you're the greatest....
And it was actually Jenny that I was talking to that said that, But I am sure that odma would agree, :)
LOVE YOU xoxoxo
i just stumbled upon your blog but love your openness and honesty about this- you are amazing! sending love!!
ReplyDeleteYou made a comment once on a blog post of mine that I did a while back that I kept forgetting to reply back to until now. I did the normal think and just kinda "stalked" your blog. I'm happy I found your blog and it landed me to this post. I'm not a mother yet, heck I just finished my first year of college, but I can't imagine what this experience would be like. Thank you for your willingness to share...this post makes me feel like I know you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love your cute little family <3