I am me.

Sometimes I feel like something is missing from me, from my brain. Growing up I always knew what I wanted in life. I knew what I loved, what I hated and what I could tolerate. But now "I don't know" seems to be the answer I give myself with every question I have lately. And it's not just decisions like "What food should I order", but questions like "what do I want to do with my life when I graduate?" "when should I think about marriage?" "am I in the right major?" and the list goes on...

I am not sure if it's because I now realize that every little decision I choose, can make the biggest difference to what happens to me in my life, or if somewhere in between ages 8 and 19 I shaped myself into a different person.

Maybe it's a combination of the two... But inside my messy head, I think it's because I have made myself into somebody who doesn't make decisions in life. And I did that because I am a people pleaser. If the people around me aren't happy, than I am not either. So I mold and shape who I am and what I like into what everyone around me wants.

I started conforming back in Junior High when I realized all my friends were changing to become someone that fits in...to become popular. The changing I did was good, for the most part. I became a lot more outgoing, happy, and discovered my love for theatre because a friend begged me to audition for a play with her. So, I am not necessarily saying that being a people pleaser is a bad thing, but it has its limits.

I finally realized that no matter how much I try, I can't always please everyone, and there will be people in the world that dislike me no matter what. Once I realized this, I stepped back and decided that I needed to start making decisions based on what I want in life.

So this week I have been trying to figure that out, and I can't...because I no longer even know what I want. I have gone so long doing things other people want me to do. Ever since I have stepped back to look at myself, I have felt so lost and confused. I feel like half of me is here, in my body, going to classes, doing homework, spending time with friends, going to work.... and the other half of me is lost, gone, far from my reach.

The thing is, I am not scared of my future or the decisions I make anymore, like I used to be. Because I don't know where I will be three years or ten years from now but I do know the most important thing of all, that I am a child of God. I know that He loves me, and has a plan for me, and that is all that matters.

No, I can't get a letter in the mail telling me what to be, and who to marry, and when to marry them. But, I have been given free agency and prayer to choose what I really want, and to know what is best for my life. And if you ask me, that's even better. So my goal for the rest of my life, is to find out what I want and what God wants for me, and fight for those things will all my heart So that when I die, God can hand me a "What happened in Hailey's life" letter, and everything the two of us wanted for me, ended up on that list.

Picture: Melinda Fisher

I loveth...

things i love as of late...

photos courtesy of: Chapman Interiors, escapade, Dirty Pretty Things

Autumn letters...

Dear fall rain,

Its ridiculous how much I love you right now... I love you so much that I incessantly talk about you in all my classes... About how beautiful you are, how divine you smell, and even how relaxing the sound of you is. A boy in my acting class looked at me the other day like, "stop talking about the rain you ditz..." But I didn't care because you deserve to be talked about lots.

Dear pops,

I dunno what I would do with out you... You are fixing my awesome go-cart of a car right now, just like you have to do every month. I know it's annoying that there is something always wrong with it, but you are so patient and helpful about it.

Dear Mom,

Thanks for letting me vent to you sometimes, well I guess lots. It's just you're the only person who will listen, and then make me get over it quick. And you're the only blunt and honest person who will tell me to stop complaining! :) It's great.... You always make me think about what I should be grateful for instead.

Dear school,

I know I gossip about you a lot, and that I say really mean hatred things... and I am sorry, but there are some days that I really love you. Like today...

Dear Jordan,

Thank you for letting me fall asleep all the time at your apartment. I am sorry that on days I am exhausted I am no fun... like when I fall asleep during the office. I really do love that we are watching a whole season together. Thank you for introducing me to brownie batter, its my new favorite thing. I love you lots.

Dear Norah Jones,

I love you... that's all

A day full of goodness...

As said in my previous post, insomnia is invading my life...So here I am in bed, at one in the morning with an early dance class Tuesday. I am exhausted, tired, and yet I am happier than ever. Because, today was simply delightful. After school I met up with the strapping young lad in the pictures above. We walked to his apartment from campus in the pouring rain (which was amazing because I love rain more than anything.) Then, boyfriend made me yummy soup, and we enjoyed an afternoon filled with laughter as we watched one of the best shows known to man, the office (thank you netflicks). Come night time, we enjoyed a wonderful evening filled with the music and humor of Kalai.... No not through a stereo, live! Sometimes with all the chaos and craziness of life, you need a good day like today to remind you why life is so good.

Top picture: John Mayer and Owl City concert

Bottom picture: Kalai concert tonight

A compilation of two weeks of thoughts...

Time seems to be rushing by before my busy mind can even start thinking and grasping that concept! Today I realized that I am nearly 1/3 of the way done with college...I am a sophomore, and still feel like I am in my crazed days of the first month of being a freshman. It feels like yesterday, and yet it feels like a whole lifetime away, because in that small and quick amount of time, I have learned, grown and experienced so much. I love George Bernard Shaw's quote that, "Life isn't about finding yourself. It is about creating yourself." Because your whole life you grow each day, learn more and become a better person because of the life you have lived. There will never be a day that you find yourself, and are that same person you found until the day you die... Life is about creating yourself, and in creating yourself you find pieces of yourself that in the end create you!!! Does this make sense or are my thoughts completely tangled???

Sometimes I lay awake at night for hours with thoughts running at unimaginable speeds...It keeps me up for hours sometimes, no matter how tired I am. It can get quite frustrating, but its at those moments when my mind does its deepest thinking and, as my mom says, "my creative juices flow." I get these crazed concepts of life as I over analyze every aspect that came at me that day. And as I think of those concepts I start thinking of different paintings I could do that could represent the idea so much better than words. I don't paint anymore...like I used to in High School. I say I don't have time, but I do...I know I do. And because of that, there should be absolutely no excuse to me feeling envious of students walking around campus with a large art portfolio, its like they practically have a stamp on their four heads saying, "yes, I am creative, yes, I am an art student!" However, no more excuses for me not painting, because starting Saturday...I AM GOING TO GET PAID FOR PAINTING...and I am STOKED!!!

I get to major in MDT AND have an amazing job painting??

Life is so amazing, and God has blessed us with so many opportunities...

I am just taking every opportunity he is throwing at me right now and holding on to it as tight as I can. Have I mentioned yet that God threw at me the most amazing best friend in the world nearly 8 months ago?? Well He did... His name is Jordan, and I am completely in love... but that's a subject for another day! This post has gone on for far to long.

So today I feel like the little girl pictured above...

I feel blessed, happy, and at peace with my life. My life may not be perfect, I may not have my head on straight (which I get told by peoples faces every time I say I am a music dance theatre major), and no I have not found myself.... But I am finding new parts of me everyday, parts that I love, and parts that I need to change.

...And that's why i hate it when some people say they are not creative....EVERYONE is creative, because everyone wakes up everyday facing the world, themselves, and their challenges. There is nothing anyone can create that is more creative than a human being living their life to the fullest.

Picture courtesy of "pink wallpaper"